“Because my depression says so, I automatically assume nobody will read this.”

Nah, that’s not how I want to start. Let me try again.

2018 has been a messy hoe of a year. I did some awesome things like performed for Tim & Daphne Reid, painted live at weddings and celebrity concerts (I did a lot of painting this year), and saw my fav band Tank & The Bangas in concert and so many cool plays. I hosted “The Peculiar” and other awesome events and performed at the Great African-American Read In and The Manny Awards! I published UNDER and was interviewed on radio and FB TV. I created, I danced, I sang, I forgave and I let go! I’m currently in a healthy and loving relationship with a wonderful man, I love my job and my little apartment, and I’m financially doing ok. I’ve also successfully posted blogs monthly to this page!

This year, my brother got his kidney surgery and is doing pretty well. But we also found out my mom has cancer, and that’s scary. I had a tree fall on my house and the roof cave in! We lost some beautiful people (RIP Aunt Ella B, Papa Ford, and NativBlack)

My friendships and relationships have changed a lot. There are some people who I was super close to who I barely speak to any more. We’re not on bad terms though. And some people I really trusted, I’m now having to work through the hurt of knowing they are untrustworthy. I’ve walked away from religion and church all together and I am learning to get closer to God without it.

I’m going into 2019 with a lot of big plans and I intend to see them all through. But I can’t do that until I’ve taken care of myself a bit- mentally, physically, and spiritually. Thus, why I’m trying to get pregnant! You’re confused? Let me explain!

At the beginning of the year, people make resolutions and plans for a better life. They spend months working on that plan and by September, the ninth month, they began to see fruits of that labor. Thus, September is the birthing month and hopefully sets the precedence for a new lifestyle.

Birthing for me (and damn this metaphor) has been difficult. These were one night stands that resulted in accidental pregnancies and so when it came time for the birthing, it was difficult. Sometimes I aborted, sometimes I miscarried, and some very lucky times, I birthed in agony a beautiful but unhealthy being. (DAMN THIS METAPHOR!)

What I learned is that a pregnancy without a meaningful conception can be a luck of the draw. What you get is by chance, not effort. But for me to appreciate the journey and respect the process, I’ve got to have an intentional and purposeful conception. I need to want this pregnancy so bad that I labor for it. I make calculated moves, I study and I desire it with every fiber of my being. So that when I become pregnant, I cherish it and make healthy choices. And then when I birth, I honor and respect it; nurturing this thing to its greatest potential.

So with that being said, this will be my last blog for the next 3 months. I’m also gonna be logging out of my socials and being a lot less visible. I’ve got to go get pregnant! I need to deal with my anger, find spiritual peace, and free myself from the weeds that have grown at my feet. Child, I need to get free!

This process for me includes no social media, cleaning living, and some other really tough moves. There are some other lifestyle changes I’m making as well, but that’s personal for now.

I know it’s a bit of a risk, but what is life without a little bit of risk. And at the end of this journey, there shall be a reward.

So, much love and success to you in 2019! I wish you the very best on your journey but as for me, I got work to do! I’ll see you just in time for my 31st birthday!

PS: I’m not pregnant. Thanks for reading!