1999: When I was 10 years old, I got saved. It was storming terribly outside but my cousin and I weren’t scared. Actually, we felt divinely connected to the rain and thunder and lightening. I remember feeling like this storm ragging on the outside was harmless to me, safe inside this big house. It was proof that there was a God and that he loved. So even though we had been going to church out whole lives, that night I made a choice to except Jesus in my life personally and intimately.
2007: I was angry at God. I don’t remember why. I grabbed a black trash back and decided to rid my life of him. I tossed away my bible, my poems and letters, and anything that reminded me of who He was. While stomping around my room, I fussed at Him and I cursed at Him. I told Him I didn’t believe in Him and asked Him to leave me alone. I immediately felt overcome with a warm and quiet silliness. I realized that I couldn’t even convince myself that there was no God while standing there talking to Him. I vowed that we would start over. That day, I’d lay aside religion and opted for relationship.
2015: I lay in my bed… hurt, angry, confused. I drank wine for breakfast and vodka for lunch. I walked around the house saying “I love you but I don’t like you, so stay out of my way.” And respectfully, God did. We were like an old seasoned couple existing in the same space but in different places. Yet, He continued to shower md with love and gentle reminders that He understood and He was there. He nudged me towards peace & healing & joy. It took me about 2 years to find myself in Him again but it was worth the journe.
Being a Christian or a Believer is a choice I made fully aware of the implications. I knew people wouldn’t like me, I knew they’d pre-judge, and misconceptions would be a part of my daily life. But I also knew it didn’t matter. Those who despised me because of my belief system 1. Didn’t understand it. 2. Didn’t want to understand it. 3. Couldn’t offer me better.
I was kinda crazy y’all. My mind had been of whirlwind of hypotheticals. My heart was always unsure and aggressively wicked. There were secrets and pains that I wouldn’t dare utter. I spent time and time again trapped in a cocooned state trying to be free. In all things I seeked, all things were temporary.
Believing in something outside of yourself is not easy. A God you can’t see with your eyes, can’t touch with your hands, can’t hear with your ears… but know because you feel it with my soul. Your very being can’t deny that there’s a God… one who’s unlike the terrible lightening thrashing and unforgiving God history has tried to portray. You know He loves you like a father.
In all our questions, we will never get answers that satisfy us. We will never simply agree that God exist and that He is good just because someone proved it. We’ll have moments in which out world is failing around us and we feel hopeless and powerless. In desperation, we look up and scream from our souls “God, if you’re out there… if you’re real, deliver me from this situation.”
Whatever happens next, you can’t deny that there is a part of you that wanted to believe that someone might be up there. And that that someone cares about and loves you.
What if I told you, there was.