Please Do Not Apply

If you are a Redskins’ fan …

Please do not apply

If you’ve ever been married

Please don’t apply

Cause I have learned that you will never get over her

And I refuse to be the rebound, in-between, or any other titled used to verbalize the smash that made you realize you still love your ex wife

Matter fact, if you are married …

Please don’t apply

If you have kids that live anywhere other than your house …

You need not apply!

Cause I’m all for play dates

But not if play dates involve me picking them up from her house, stopping by McDonalds, going to the park, going back to your house

Matter fact, if you got kids …

Please don’t apply!

If your job cuts your hours by ten and you’re only left with 10 hours

Please do not apply!

If you have corn rolls in your hair, either cut it, lock it, or …

Please do not apply!

if I ask you about music and you mention either Gucchi or Wacka Flocka Flame …

You need not apply!

And if your mother requires you be home by 12 …

Nigga don’t even!

See, I was just born in 88′ so settling aint set in

I won’t follow the trends cause personally I’m convinced I’m what’s in

But baby if your car requires that we all get in thru the same door …

Please don’t apply 

Of if going to church is twice a year and followed by an Easter egg hunt or a family feast …

Lord knows you need not apply! 

And if your idea of romance is me spreading my legs after ten minutes of you sobbing on my neck

You need not apply!

Forgive me but I’m a queen and I’m not convinced I need any other than The King

I swear I feel like I’m the best thing since slice bread

Better yet I’m the image of the baby Mary had

It’s not that I’m a hard catch, I just feel like I’m the catch of the day

And It’s not that I’m not hiring, I just don’t have any part time positions available

So, if you are a Redskins’ fan …

Please don’t apply!

But if this advertisement has scared you off before I even had a chance to finish the poem then 

NOTE:

The position has been filled.

Only serious applicants may inquire.

I wouldn’t mind the interview but if you can’t handle the boss

Then please, don’t apply!