Scrolling Craigslist ads, a pastime I’ve recently taken up to humble myself, I often run across extremely specific or particular post in the “Looking for Love” section. (That’s not really what it’s called but it’s better than “Misc Romance.”) Often, the poster request that the physical appearance of the responder match a certain criteria. “Must be fit and no taller than 5’6” or “No skinny girls or buff ladies.” And I’ve learned to understand these requests. We like what we like and if online dating is your thing, then why not filter for what you want!?!

But recently I ran across an ad that perplexed me. It said: “Successful black male seeking attractive blonde woman.” There was a picture of a fairly handsome light-skinned man leaning against a very nice car. (No, I don’t know what type…. Red!) Now, it was easy to assume that had I been searching for love, I should keeping scrolling pass for I have never been nor will be a blonde woman. I thought to myself how misleading this ad was; it doesn’t specify much of anything else this successful black male wants other than a hair color. (Note the sarcasm!) So I emailed the guy:

Me: By attractive blonde, do you mean white?

Him: She doesn’t have to be white.

Me: Oh okay, I just dyed my hair blonde the other day!

Him: Okay, does it match your skin tone? Are you tanned or pale?

(See what I’m doing here? He’s trying to be clever!)

Me: No, I’m just brown.

Him: Brown? Like you’re Italian?

Me: No, brown as in the same race as you.

Him: Oh, I like naturally blonde women

Me: So you do mean white.

Him: Did I say that?

Me: Have you ever met a naturally blonde Black, Asian, Latino, Indian or Native American woman?” (Yes, I know they exist but that’s beside the point.)

His response? “Oh, I understand. Apparently you would like to rewrite the ad for me? In the revision, you can add “naturally” in order to perpetuate the narrative that successful black men only chase white women. “

Is that the narrative? That once a black man gains success, he only dates white women?

Not in my opinion. I don’t believe this ideal, though also a reality at times, has nearly as much to do with the success of the man as it has to do with th mindset of the man; that white women are a prize. No different than white women who view black men as a prize, it’s is a taboo that is very much outdated.

Is this every scenario? Clearly not. The majority of the time, I believe that two people simply fell in love and choose to navigate the waters of their diverse backgrounds together. And that’s beautiful to me. Honestly, I rock with it! (Less cultural appropriation I hope.)

However, there are people with a very skewed mindset that will only date within a certain race because of the personal qualms they have about their own race. And that is a problem!

• A white woman who dates a black man to piss of her family is a problem!
• A black man who dates a white woman because she’ll be sub-servant is a problem!
• A black woman who dates white men to have lighter children is a problem!
• A white man who dates a black woman for the sex is a problem!
• Etc, etc, etc …..

Some people will tell you it doesn’t matter. That everyone has preferences and you’re allowed to like what you like. And that’s technically true. But ask yourself honest questions? If your reason for only dating white women starts with “Because black women…” then you don’t just have a preference, you have a problem… it’s called self hate.

This is just a conversation starter…. I encourage you to finish it.

“When having conversations, don’t do all the talking.”