Now that I’ve been a new-mom-again for four months, I’m finding a little balance. Physically, my hormones are leveling out and my body is strong enough to do things again. Mentally, I have a support system in place and know who/ how to turn for help. Kamau (that’s the fiancée, don’t you read my blogs?) is very supportive and adamant that I take time for myself. My friends check in real blunt like You dealing with postpartum depression or you good? And my mom refuses to let me go hungry. So I feel loved and championed.
This week, a few things popped up on my radar in the realm of self care. They align with 3 of my biggest concerns in regards to being my best self: physically healthy, educated, mentally sharp. (Yes, that’s my list, worry about yourself. ) I found myself really indulging in these new activities. I mean, staying up til 2AM to work on a puzzle, changing my schedule and driving to Richmond to take a Trap Cardio class (or should I say THE Trap Cardio class) and forgoing musical abandonment for educational listening. Without realizing it, I was smack dab in the middle of pursuing the change I wanted to be. Let me explain:
Of course, for weeks I’ve been saying… Let me sign up for this financial aide so I can go back to school…. Let me eat one last McDonald fry so I can start this health journey… let me download this lil wellness app so I can meditate more..
All of that was me trying to jump start my way into a lifestyle change but it didn’t feel natural. And yes, it’s important to me for it to feel natural. Cause I know my limitations. I start shit but I end shit with the quickness when I can find a good enough excuse… The government gone deny me financial aid anyway and I’m gone end up with loans… we all gone die one day so I may as well die happy and fat… ignorance is bliss. So I had to allow myself the liberty of knowing that I have a limitation to excellence and then circumvent it by finding what works for me effortlessly.
… “Allow myself the liberty of knowing that I have a limitation to being excellent and then work intentionally to circumvent it.”Me, I said it. *shrug*
So one day while my In-Laws were over, I grabbed a puzzle I saw sitting dusty in a corner and start tinkering with it. Initially, it was to solve the awkward space between my hands and head that was freaking out because the kitchen wasn’t clean and they had popped up. But I found myself day after day coming back to the puzzle. In my mind, I saw the image and I challenged myself to put as much of it together using logic and not the puzzles cheat sheet. It took me 5 days to put it all together. While working on the puzzle, I turned on NPR (instead of my usual dope Youtube “Butter” Playlist). I’ve been listening to NPR in the car for months as white noise and without realizing it, I picked up so much information about the most random stuff that had begun to shape my perspective about foreign policies, changing trends, and the state of the country. I was learning some deep shit I had no idea about. No really, the Info has been useful in regards to finances, wellness, and more. The same day I finished the puzzle, I signed up for the Trap Cardio class. My brother had been suggesting it for months but tbh it intimated me. They move their bodies like they have full confidence in it. I was doing my best to keep up but I couldn’t help but laugh at myself. Reality is, I want that for myself; not just the physical healthiness that comes from moving but the joy in expressing your sexuality through dance. I’m down for all that shit.
So yeah, I picked up a few new hobbies in the last few weeks. Things that naturally feel good to do but also contribute to my goals and even my joy. I can’t promise you that I’ll still be doing these things 6 months from now (though I’m definitely gonna keep working out to trap music) Because I’m doing me and in doing me, I’m going to be so much better for Khaleef (that’s my son, you really need to read my blogs more).
I encourage you to do some shit for you too!
Love Paula Michelle
“ I start shit but I end shit with the quickness when I can find a good enough excuse…”
That spoke to my Arian spirit. I’m cheering you along as I stand in a similar journey — doing more of what naturally feels good without getting sidetracked. One day at a time… but kudos to you for being intentional in your quest. You’ve got this!
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Haha hah haha haha haha haha, in-laws can be sooooooooo annoying but a necessary evil lol. Lol lol lol. I hate it with a passion when my in-laws pop up, it’s like don’t you have a phone lol. I don’t want them to think I’m lazy if something isn’t clean but they do it so much I stop caring. Good thing they love me for me and I’m sure yours don’t judge and love you for you, I mean what’s not to love, your amazing!!!!!!
Hey! Thanks for reading and commenting. My in-laws are pretty great but of course I can’t help but want my house to be spotless. They’re not judging me though so it’s my own qualms. And even though your anonymous, I assume you’re pretty awesome too