“TRY SOME OF MY FUFU”

I once dated a guy from West Africa (ethnicity is relevant to the story). We’ll call him Troy. Troy was “light skin” with greens eyes and had a thick African accent. I honestly thought he was faking it.. the accent that is, not being “light skin”. He was cute but so dumb… which was really surprising because in school, they told me non-Americans would destroy us with intelligence one day. I mean… Wakanda! But anyway, he wasn’t the brightest bulb. All he wanted to do was play soccer and ask for boob pics. One day, in a turn of events to his usual awful date choices, he asked me to come over for a dinner he and his friends were hosting. How could this possibly go wrong!?! Anyway, I arrive and it’s a lil kickback! All the men are dancing to soca and cooking. The ladies, they tell me, will be back soon. They are asking me my taste in music and if I knew any other Africans. After a while, the interrogation ends. Troy brings me a bowl of fufu and beef. It’s delicious. Then another guy. “America girl, try my fufu.” It was delicious, better than Troy’s. Then another guy, “You MUST try some of my fufu.” Within minutes, no lie, there were 7 different samples of some form of fufu with meat! But then… the girlfriend and wives of these men arrive. There I am, the American thot with 7 helpings of fufu in front of me. The introductions consisted of rolled eyes and weak handshakes and questions about my income. Then, as if the wind in the room stops, this gorgeous African Goddess walks in. Everybody looks at her, then looks at me, and then back at her. Clearly, she’s the ex. She walks over to where Troy and I are sitting, leans in and kisses him on the mouth. That was my cue. As I stand to leave, she says something in another language that makes the entire room roll with laughter. I try not to tear up while calling an uber. Troy grabs my arm, I’m thinking he’s about to beg me to stay. Instead, he says “Do you want to take some fufu to go?”

“There’s a gun pointed to his head”

I knew from the jump this first date with James (name changed – you know) was gonna be our last but I didn’t know it would be so bad. When he arrives to the restaurant, he’s wearing sweatpants and a super small t-shirt. We were at O’Charley’s so I didn’t expect a 3-piece suit, but a little effort would’ve be nice. There was a hole in the armpit of the tiny mickey mouse t-shirt this grown man was wearing on a first date! Anyway, we’re chit chatting, we’ve ordered, and its mostly just awkward banter. He then asks, “What’s the last movie you saw?” Now, I’m a little passionate and can get rev-ed up easily. I blurt out “Hotel Rwanda! Have you seen it?” He tells me he has but request a refresher. So I spill it all… the movie and my opinions. “What’s most irritating,” I start “Is that America neglected Rwanda so carelessly! Like, we’re a powerful enough nation to have helped.” He responds “But we had enough of our own things to deal with. They had to help themselves.” We go back in forth about the responsibilities of the country to the country men and socialism vs. capitalism etc. Up until now the tone is fairly soft and non-heated. But then, James stands up and says “So if this table was Rwanda and I’m American and there’s a gun pointed to his head, you’d neglect me, your date, to save them?” This whole scene was fanatical. He was loudly shouting and waving his non-gun hand. It was so embarrassing but that wasn’t the worst. The table he was pointing at with an imaginary gun was a white family with their 2 little kids. The imaginary gun was at the little white boys head. The kids look terrified! I ran out of there so quick … before they could throw us out! I never caw him again… hopefully he’s not in Rwanda!

“Get a large, please”

When I started dating Chris (nope, I didn’t change his name), I was so excited. I had such a huge crush on him. I would wait outside his classroom around campus hoping he’d notice me. So, when he finally asked me out, I agreed eagerly. We met downtown near an ice cream shop. The plan was to get milkshakes and then walk the canal walk which was all lit up for the summer. So, we’re standing at the counter of the ice cream shop and Chris tells me I can order whatever I want. I ask the attendant for a small cookies and cream shake. Chris says “Oh, you can have a large!” To which I reply “No thanks, just a small. I don’t wanna walk around on a full stomach.” He looks concerned and says “You should get a large though, I’ll eat the rest. Get a large please.” I then realize what he’s saying so I reply “Oh, I didn’t know you weren’t getting one. Okay, a large.” Thinking the issue is solved, I digress but then, Chris orders himself a large milkshake too. Being myself, I just had to ask “You gonna eat all yours and then all mine?” Chris just shakes his head yes and we wait for them to ring us up. It’s time to pay, Chris seems hesitant. He looks at me “Can you grab some napkins?” and points to a dispenser on the other side of the shop. I agree and head over to grab them. When I turn back around, I see what all the fuss is about. Chris hands the lady a coupon! He wanted me to get a large because the coupon is “buy one large, get another large 50% off.” I pretended not to see. I didn’t let it ruin the date. How could I be made at someone saving money? We dated for a few months after that. I learned that he was very cheap, like use free napkins and not buy toilet paper cheap. Like sneak into weddings for a free meal cheap. It wasn’t until we broke up that I finally admitted I saw the coupon!

“Do you know the DJ?”

Mark (*wink wink*) was a waiter at a chain restaurant. We had only been on 2 dates but when I told him my girlfriends and I were going out, he suggested we come by during his shift and he’d hook us up. So, we did. The restaurant was a full-on party. There was a DJ with karaoke and the room was packed. I told the hostess who we were there to see and she sat us at a booth near the bar, in Mark’s section and next to the DJ. A few minutes later, Mark came over. We exchanged a quick kiss and he took our drink orders. A few minutes late, another waiter brings us over some drinks we did not order. When I tried to explain she said ,”The DJ sent them.” I look over and the DJ is not only an extremely popular radio DJ but someone I had dated just a few weeks earlier. It hadn’t worked out. He winked at me. I waved back. There was nothing between us in my opinion so when Mark asked “Where the drinks came from?”, I told him the DJ. When the next round of drinks came Mark asked, “Do you know the DJ?” I told him he was a client. Technically, all true! As the night goes on, we’re eating and drinking, and then I hear my name coming from the speakers. The DJ is toasted and he’s shouting out my name… a lot. He then starts calling me his girl from the microphone and even tells Mark “Bring my girl another drink. She looking good tonight.” Now, Mark is a professional but he’s getting really annoyed. He just ignores the DJ’s request. A few minutes late, the DJ starts in again. “I told that waiter to bring my girl a drink. I think he likes her. Y’all think he likes her?” He asks the room. The room erupts with laughter. Mark slams down his tray and heads straight to the DJ booth. I’m thinking he’s gonna punch him! Mark grabs a drink out of the DJ’s hand and says something inaudible to him in his ear. After that, the DJ says nothing else. He didn’t even look our way for the rest of the night. Later on, when I asked Mark what did he say to get the DJ to calm down, he said ‘I told him if he doesn’t stop flirting with my girl, I’m gonna tell his wife.” Imagine my surprise; I didn’t know the DJ was married. To make matters worse, I later found out, so was Mark!