Why It’s Okay To Have A Checklist of What You Want in a Future Bae & The Secrets of “The List!”

Dating can be annoying. Whether you’re sliding in DM’s or trying to luck up in the bread aisle of Whole Foods (you know, a health food junky who loves carbs), the process of determining if a person is worth pursuing can be daunting.

As we get older, people will encourage us to be more open when choosing a bae aka settle a little. They’re not trying to be dream-crushing-soul-snatching-haters… they just don’t want you to be 57 and still saying “I just haven’t found the one.”

I’m a strong believer in the list and it’s decision making powers. Even more so now than usual. Recently, I saw a chick lose her marbles (and some of my respect) over some dude and really embarrass herself. If it wasn’t for my check list reminding me he wasn’t quite what I wanted, I may have fought harder for a guy I didn’t even really need and lost a friend in the process.

My Aunt Rose (a sassy red-headed model in the early 50’s who ran this dope charm school in Richmond, VA) once told me that I should have a list of 10 things I want in a man. The man I end up with should have a minimum 7 of the 10. And for the 2 or 3 things he doesn’t have, he should have 2 or 3 things I never even thought about!

Such a dope concept right?

Well the early years of my life, the list was filled with such detailed foolishness like:

#3. Must have a perfectly round head incase his hair light recedes so he’ll look good bald!


#7. Should never wear colors like orange or yellow so they don’t clash with my skin tones. (Can I keep this one? Jk)

Well, as you can imagine, that didn’t work out for me so I abandoned my list! After wards, I dated a mirage of people. From each of them, I was able to determine my non-negotiables and the things I don’t mind. Because the reality is, the yellow shirt I hated on Tyree looked so good on Charles!

So here it is, the secrets of making a good list!

1. Be specific but leave room for growth. Certain areas have to be addressed on your list. Ignoring these things may allow for a happy start but will result in an awful end.

Such as: religious beliefs or children.

It looks like: #2. Should be a believer who recognizes the importance of church fellowship.

But Not: #2. Should be a Pastor or Apostle of a mega ministry.

2. Avoid the Physical but be honest. It can be easy to start listing physical traits but seriously, the world is vast and there’s only one LL Cool J… only one Halle Berry.

Such as: Height, weight, health

It looks like: #4. A person I’m attracted to intellectually and sexually who also is in good physical health.

But not: #4. Over 5’9 with green or hazel eyes, brown to light brown skin, with size 12 feet.

3. Add postives, not negatives: Sometimes, in making these list, we’re thinking about our ex’s and want to avoid something we once dealt with so we put it on the list. It’s important you list reminds you of what you want. Not what you don’t.

Such as: social status, political beliefs, etc

It looks like: #8. A person who understands, respects, and considers my life as a plus size African American woman.

But not: Must not have dated only white women before me and fails to understand why I get frustrated when he let’s his Asian friend say “nigga.”

Alright, that’s it. Feel free to go make a new list or re-evaluate your old one! It’s important that you have a firm grasp of what you want and need. And know that it’s okay to have wants and needs. The younger generations are all about free love- but free love can be wasted love or wasted life if it’s not done intentionally. Us older folks (30 in 27 day!) have to consider how our kids and careers fit into the equation as well. So go ahead and find love, boo! But don’t compromise too much… that way you don’t have to find it again in 2 years ….

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