Say Something Series: Your Friend’s Ex- Man!

3rd wheel

Scene: You’re out to dinner with your girl friends chatting about all the new changes and updates in your lives. Across the room, you spot a tall, sultry eyed, long-haired man with the perfect smile and a body like an African warrior. He looks like the bad guy in every Tyler Perry play. Sexy and tempting! The whole room goes silent and the lights dim as he walks center aisle right up to your table: slow motion, Barry White playing in your ear, and a spotlight illuminating the path from him to you. You look deep into his eyes as he moves closer. You’re blushing and giving him the “get over here boy,” smize. He leans down just enough for you to smell the sweat dancing around on his neck. You hold your breath as he parts his lips and then kisses… your friend! All antics resume, as if the scene in on fast forward, you realize this tall drink of water is the guy your girlfriend has been gushing about for two months. And good googly moogly, he is everything and more!

By now, you already know his entire resume. She’s been praising him for weeks. He makes good money, loves to travel, no kids, loves God and even goes to bible study! From dinner conversation, you learn he’s extremely intelligent and thinks your corney jokes are funny. You two have lots in common and if this was, he’d be perfectly yours.

A few months later, they break up. No tears or heartache, just a mutual parting of ways. You run into him at the grocery store in the bread aisle trying to decide between whole wheat and 13 grains. He does that smile thing where he looks like all your dreams come true. What now?

Nothing heffa! Not a thing! Walk away, avoid eye contact, decline business interactions! Do not pass Go and do not collect a dime. Stay the hell away!

Why? Because there is an unwritten code! 

Just like any imaginary handbook for life (ya know: The Being Black Rule Book, The How to Act in Church book, The Co-worker with Cats Brought Mac-n-cheese to the Potluck Book), sometimes the details behind the rules get tricky. Sometimes, love gets awaken when and where you least expected it. However, there’s a big difference between when God awakens love and you’ve dived into the mess head first.

I was taught very early in life about the girl code and learned by having my own blundering interactions. With which, the rules of dating the man-friends of your girlfriends are very clear. They included:

1. Don’t date your friend’s ex.

2. Don’t flirt with your friends man.

3. Don’t become friends with your friends man.

4. Don’t do anything behind their back that you can’t do to their face.

5. And most importantly: In case Cupid’s stupid arrow blazes you when you least expected… COMMUNICATE!

True Story: On a date with a guy, he’s showing me pics from his Facebook. I see a pic of him with my good friend. He explains to me they dated a few months back. I immediately pick up the phone and call her. She said it was cool  and I continued to date him until I discovered he was a jerk for myself. But had she not given me the “Sure girl, whatever”, the date would have ended.

Why? Because she’s my friend and he’s just one guy. There are more. 

Other story: I started dating a friend that once of my other friends liked. Once I realized that he and I were becoming more than friends, I called her. She said it was fine and she never expected things with them to take off. But for me, it was never an option to be sneaky.

Why? Because friends don’t hurt friends purposely. 

I know “Girl Code” is antiquated but it’s still useful.

Why? Because too many friendships are ruined over women who make awful decisions when dealing with friends and relationships.

The biggest key is open and honest communication. Keep it real. It sounds like:

“I like your ex and we hit it off. Would you be cool if he and I explored this?”

The odds are the dynamics of your friendship are gonna change anyway. But at least there won’t be a woman in a red dress at your wedding.

Oh, and just in case you have a problem knowing boundaries cause your friends man is super sexy, here are some tips not to get your tail beat cause you’re doing the most:

1. Do not look at him. Keep eye contact to a minimal. If possible, sit far away.

2. Don’t talk to him. The more you converse, the deeper you’ll fall. Pretend like he’s got bad breath.

3. If you have to talk, keep conversation to a minimum. Talk about your friend and how awesome she is and how lucky he is.  Be pleasant but not extra.

4. Never agree to being the third wheel. You don’t want to end up in an awkward conversation when your girlfriend goes to the bathroom. Because that awkward conversation will probably be a panty dropper. Don’t!


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