Flint’s Funny AF!
by Paula Gillison Akinwole
This assignment was a challenge to write a Personal Crisis Narrative. The character experiences a crisis and some cognitive dissonance about what has actually occurred. The below story has been edited from the original submission 😜
The crowd at Loud Mouth Comedy Club was one of the toughest in the city. Filled with roaring laughter and clanking drinks from patrons who were getting drunk and screaming in the audience, this was the iconic Friday night amateur comic show. It was a known fact that this audience prided itself on helping to discover the next great comedian. It was there way, unlike most comedy shows where heckling was frowned upon, to heckle the hell out of new comedians. At Loud Mouth on Friday night it was welcomed.
The fourth of sixth comedians performing tonight was on stage completing minute seven of the ten minute allotment he had been given. In another minute, the host would hold his finger over his cell phone’s flashlight and flick it back and forth in hopes of getting the comic’s attention. This would be his two minute warning to wrap up his joke and prepare to exit the stage. Flint Flako knew this meant he had between four to six minutes before it would be his turn to take the microphone and make the audience laugh.
“You good bro?”
Flint’s attention had been so fixed on the audience he didn’t notice Arnold Mac tryna get his attention.
“Sorry what?” Flint finally responded.
“I asked if you were excited for your first time?”
Arnold Mac was tonight’s feature. He would also decide who won tonight’s amateur competition. Though Flint didn’t know Arnold personally, he followed him on Instagram. Arnold was a local comedy legends who was now seasoned enough to teach classes and host workshops. Flint had never been to a class but knew Arnold was to be respected.
“Oh hell yeah! I’m about to make a couple old people pop their stitches! These other comedians bout’ to get smoked!” Flint responded, excited to perform and show Arnold what he could do.
“Oh okay, it’s like that?” Arnold shrugged. “Good luck then!”
The OG turned back to the conversation happening amongst the other comedians. Flint sat nearby but at a separate table. He knew camaraderie with the others would be beneficial but he was more interested in targeting his audience and finding things to make fun of than making friends. He could meet everyone later. Instead, he spent the next few minutes studying the audience:
A woman in the silver sequin dress sitting to the side of the stage was celebrating something. She was there with a group of girlfriends, all in short dresses and clanking shots between each comedian. They even offered some to comedians they found funny. They were hooping and hollering the most. It would be easy to make them laugh.
A diverse group of college kids took up a full table in the front. They were the flamboyant type and wore their causes on their shirts like “Trans Rights” and “Harris 2024.” They seemed to be respectfully enjoying the show and made it awkward for any comic daring a homophobic joke or anything deemed cancel-able. He knew they would be his hardest audience.
An older white man sat solo in the back corner. He hadn’t chuckled once all night but was attentively watching the show. Flint decided it was his mission to make this man laugh.
His nerves wouldn’t get the best of him though. Listening intently to the sounds pouring around the theater and shaking the walls, he felt ready. The comic performing now was a newcomer too and had started slow but was now getting the kind of knee-slapping responses that Flint craved. He couldn’t wait for his turn to get on the stage and have the audience erupt for him. This wasn’t his first time being funny for a crowd but this was his first real stage at a real comedy club with over 100 people in the audience. Having made his name from pranks on social media and random commentary about funny pop-culture moments, this invitation to perform stand up came directly from Arnold Mac himself. He originally offered Flint a spot in his comedy school but when Flint declined and retorted that he’d rather have a spot at Loud Mouth instead. Arnold obliged.
And Flint felt proud. Unlike most comedians, he wouldn’t be starting in random bars or performing at church talent nights. He had surpassed all that and didn’t need a comedy mentor or old-head giving him pointers. With over three hundred thousand followers, he knew his name had brought in a portion of the crowd tonight and he knew many of them wanted to see him: the kid who had pranked his grandpa with a fake snake and made him piss himself on camera. At random, folks would approach Flint and shout out the same phrase his grandpa had said on the viral video.
“Fuck you doing knuckle head ass,”
And Flint would respond the way he had done on the video.
“Fucking with you old man! That’s what I do!”
That catch phrase had gained him the notoriety and attention he craved. He got walk-through gigs at nightclubs and invites to birthday parties for video vixens and instagram models. But now, he had talked himself into a ten minute comedy set at a famous club as his first on stand-up performance and he was excited to deliver the same funny from on-screen to a live audience.
“You’re up, kid.”
The show runner peeked his head into Flint’s space and gave him a thumbs up. He quickly jumped from his seat and punched the air like he was Rocky Balboa while walking down the walkway and on to the stage entrance.
“Alright Loud Mouth! Yall are in for a treat. You’ve seen this lil homie cracking jokes on his mom and fucking with his grandpa all over Instagra, and TikTok. He’s here tonight for his stand up debut. Let me hear you make some noise for Flint “Fuck With You” Flako!”
Flint ran out onto the stage at the sound of his name, his hands still in the air and waving wildly at the audience. In his excitement, he passed by the host who was holding the mic out to him. To play it off, Flint twisted like a ballerina, held out his hand for the mic and bowed towards the host like a character from Bridgeton. But the host was already gone and Flint stood on stage in a bowed position standing alone. He laughed it off. Taking the mic from the mic-stand, he started his set.
“What up Richmond! Yall didn’t even know the Flint Flako lived in your own neighborhood, did you? Well yup, local celebrity here! And that grandpa you see me always fucking with works right at the Food Lion on Jeff Davis! You can go fuck with him yourself anytime you want!! …. So what’s up with Diddy and all that baby oil?”
For the next 10 minutes, Flint told all the jokes in his roster. They were mostly one liners he had said in his Instagram reels and quips he had thought of at random. Nothing rehearsed, he let his natural talent take over. He talked about the election and compared it to the Mike Tyson Fight calling it “a table for suckers.” He referenced the group of young students and didn’t notice when they wagged a finger in his direction in protest. He joked about millennials and said how easy it was for somebody his age to “play” them cause they were too busy crying about daddy issues. He pointed at the lady in the sequined dress and she threw up her middle finger in response. He joked about his followers being stupid enough to follow him and how his DM’s are always full of random offers like trying out a new weight loss pill or promoting a podcast. He said he would give those pills to “her”.. and then pointed at a lady in the audience. He bragged that he’d accept the promo packages if they were offering a breast pump for the flat chested girls… and then pointed to a trans man in the audience.
He watched as the old man in the corner ordered a drink and never once looked at the stage. Flint ended his set by talking about his grandpa and how much grandpa hated the new found fame. He told the audience that his grandpa had a big life insurance policy and asked the audience to help him keep scaring him so one day he could really cash in.
Flint had been talking so long he didn’t notice the warning light flashing at him. The host walked on stage and took the mic out of his hand shouting “Alright kid, get the fuck off my stage.”
The audience laughed and cheered as Flint took his bow and exited.
Instead of heading back to the table with the other comedians, Flint stepped outside. The cold night air rushed around him causing him to tuck his head and pull his coat tighter around him.
“Oh dude, don’t cry about this. My first time, I barely got a chuckle.”
Flint turned to see some of the other comedians had followed him out and were all standing around him.
“Yeah you bombed tonight dude but at least you got your following. Just stick to the pranks and shit. But don’t piss on the people who made you.”
Flint watched and listened as the other comedians all gave him advice about his set and what he could do better. He thought about the audience and how they were laughing along and cheered at his jokes. He was confused at the feedback and told the comedians to “fuck off.”
When the video of his performance went viral the next week, Flint was publicly canceled. His comment section on TikTok was full of people trolling him about how terrible his set was, his homophobic comments, his fat shaming, and the fact that he ended up in last place at an amateur competition. Even when he attempted new prank videos, people refused to laugh with him and told him his grandpa should disown him and take him out of the will. Eventually, Flint shut down his social media accounts. It wasn’t until a few days later when Arnold Mac sent him a text that he finally respond to people reaching out.
“You wanna enroll in my school now lil homie?”
Don’t forget to check out the first story in the Writing 101 Series!
For Lack Of Better Words 