Dear Office,

I promise to clean you next. That is if the other rooms aren’t destroyed before I get around to you.

Love,

My office has green walls, my favorite color. I did not have to paint them when I moved into this house, I only scrubbed them down and prepared them for the art I would inevitably hang.

As the boxes came in, I delegated what would go where to my brothers, nephews, and husband. Kitchen boxes, my son’s bedroom stuff, clothes, more clothes, and all the art.

My son’s bedroom was done first and is often cleaned first, usually during a lunch break or right before he gets home from daycare. It has been decorated with astronaut motif and planetary glow in the dark stickers. He has a fluffy rug, designer curtains, and art I hand painted before we even bought the house. The first time his cousins came over, they and the adults wow-ed at all the effort I had put into his room. He loves his room. I do too.. I didn’t have my first bedroom until I was a teenager and even then, it shared a door with the kitchen that could open at any moment. My son’s own bedroom at age three is my pride and joy so I clean it like one.

When it’s time to clean the house, I typically start with the living room. It’s small with just a red leather sectional and matching lounge chair, a coffee table and rug, tv on a tv stand with my favorite bric-à-brac, and a three piece leather bed bench that we use for storage. Mostly, there is dust under the couch to be cleaned and random stuff that made it’s way from the car to the bed bench and stayed for a week.

Then the kitchen. I utilize my dish washer like a paid employee. Scrub daddy does the rest of the work and the pile of boxes that must be recycled gets moved to the back porch.

The bathrooms get cleaned regularly. Every time I wash my hands, I wash the sink. Every time I use the toilet, I sweep the floor. The scrub supplies for the tub and shower rarely get put away.

Today, my husband said he would clean. But after five years, I have learned that he never starts with the living room or kitchen. Typically, he washes his clothes and cleans his office. He prioritizes his stuff over the general spaces and considering I’ve often already done them, that’s usually all that’s left.

So

Dear Office,

You have sat untidy, unkempt, and unloved for far too long.
The last on the list, I rarely get to you before I have to get back to them.
How reminiscent of how I feel about myself most days
Like I must take care of everyone and everything else first
Can’t ever quite relax because somebodies something needs to be done
I wish I could prioritize you
Ignore the smell coming from the kitchen sink
Forget the basket of clothes that needs to be washed and dried in five loads
Leave the babies diaper bag unsorted
And the dust from the floor, ceiling fans, and floorboards to collect into bunnies
And just focus on you
There are three boxes that still haven’t been sorted from the move in
Clothes that need to be put away, washed, or donated
Art that needs a wall
Books that need a shelf
Mental health that needs a breath
A soul that needs an altar
Self esteem that needs a mirror
Self assurance that needs affirmations
Confidence that needs space to dance and move
There is stuff everywhere in this office
I often shut the door
Pretend that the things in here that need to get done
Won’t be noticed by anyone who comes in the house to see
Don’t look at me!
Look at my son and how wonderful his bedroom is.
See how happy and healthy he is, I did that.
Don’t look at me!
Look at my husband, he’s talented and smart
And funny, funny enough to make jokes about the room we won’t enter.
Walk past my office, we won’t enter
Me, don’t look at me.
I’m not done yet.
I’m untidy, unkempt, and unloved
Not until I’ve done all the things
And made everyone happy
And played my part,
I work in my office everyday.
The camera focuses on me, and the little corner in which a rug is my backdrop
And a peak of the green walls can be seen.
My boss once mentioned that the green walls were perfect
It’s an automatic green screen where I could show up to the meeting and be anything
All pretend
Never have to clean my room and no one would ever see
Just how much of a mess I really am.

I’m about to go clean now. I’d like to say I would start with my office but my son needs a bath so I need to clean the tub first. And he’ll want dinner soon so I need to wash the dishes. And it’ll be bed time before I know it so better put some clean sheets on the bed.

I’ll get to my office soon, I promise. We only moved in six months ago, we signed on for 30 years. I have time to get to me, right? I have time.