1. Clean. The dishes will smell within a day. You’ve run out of clean laundry. The bed sheets are stiff. This is actually number one through 10, you cleaning your home until it feels like house. Home is comfortable but house is evident that you exist outside of these walls. House reminds you that there are friends and family to visit, to home here. House comes with responsibility whereas home can be as unkempt as your mind feels and as disorganized as your brain feels and as unbothered as your soul feels.

11. Take a shot of the alcohol you had in the back of your closet. Pull out the vibrator from the back corner of your bedside table. Take a shower But only after you’ve danced enough to sweat through your underwear. This is feeling. You’ve been wondering where all the feeling has gone but it’s still exists in your body. Start by feeling sweat and blood rushing and convulsions. Worry about the emotional stuff another time.

12. Do your homework. There’s one list for Spanish class, one list from your internship, and the list from your therapist. I suggest the list from your therapist first. You have to stay alive long enough to graduate.

13. For the next two days, you’re not allowed to wear anything that has been taken off of a hanger or out of a drawer in the last month. Only wear the things that you love but are afraid of being seen in. You don’t even have to leave the house but you have run out of water. The lady at the corner store has seen you without a bra, she won’t panic seeing you where a flower peasant dress.

14. Write a poem or two. Love poem preferably. About yourself preferably. About how much you love yourself but not about how hard it is to love yourself, preferably.

15. If you find time, deliver a few truths. Start by telling yourself that staying in the house all weekend is not radical rest if you’re afraid to open the door. Write a Facebook status inviting all of your friends to come see you or make plans with you. It’s possible no one will respond but the goal isn’t avoiding rejection but being willing to be rejected.

16. Go somewhere like a Thai restaurant with a hidden garden that reminds you of the place you wanted to get married at or a rooftop bar in which you spend less than 20 minutes before realizing that rooftop bars are just clubs without dress codes. But be proud of yourself, at least you left the house. At least you saw a friend.