by Paula G. Akinwole

It’s a fact that mean girls grow up to be henchmen. Stay with me here.

I know a little something about henchmen. I grew up in black southern churches. We called them ushers and armor bearers. I also went to a school of the arts, so I know a few things about mean girls too.

Henchmen are those big dudes that guard the doors of the secret science labs. They’re the ones that run up on the hero by the dozens and try to fight him long enough for the head honcho to get away. They get their heads slammed into a wall or blown up. They die, a pile of them on the floor all dressed the same. And right around the corner, there are another dozen henchmen willing to fight and die for the leader.

I’ve thought about this… way too much I might add.

Where do these henchmen come from? Is there an ad in the newspaper looking for random tough guys? Are these men some losers who have nothing better to do or honest hard working guys with a family and kids to take care of? You know how it goes. His wife gets a deposit every two weeks but her husband is never home, has a bad back now, and still ain’t fixed the kitchen sink. Also, how’s the interview process? Do they check references? Do henchmen get paid lunch breaks and a 401k?

I’ve figured it out…. a couple sessions with my therapist but I uncovered the secret! It’s wild but I know where henchmen come from.

Do you remember the mean girls in school? Of course you do. Not only do you remember them but you know exactly where they are right now. One is in jail, one died, and the other is living her absolute best life except her husband is cheating. In school, they weren’t traditionally mean like you’d see on tv. They didn’t walk down the halls in matching clothes or push over kids who stepped in their way. They’re just really pretty, entitled, and self absorbed. Their meanness comes from how they treat people who aren’t as pretty or privileged. They exist blissfully outside of real world problems and don’t care enough to look down from the clouds to see anyone else. After high school, they breezed through life. College was paid for, they got a good job, their husband does something stupid that makes great money and her kid slipped out of her vagina like she’s got buttered lips.

Or she really has had a shitty life. She became a stripper to make it through nursing school (no shame). Her step daddy was abusive and she never got genuine friendships and genuine relationships. So she’s mean.

You’re probably wondering about my logic, how a young high school girl who is known to be a careless bitch becomes a middle aged henchman willing to murder at the drop of a dime? That doesn’t seem like a natural progression to you? It’s making perfect sense in my head.

I know the movies have convinced us that the weird emo kid who gets picked on and kills rabbits for fun turns out to be a deranged murderer and actually, well that might be true. But he murders solo. You know, mass shootings and stalkings. The mean girls at schools need a pack. They can’t operate alone. They join a sorority, then PTA club, and then a loyal henchmen for Dr. Evil or some other villain… a social media influencer.

Because mean turns ugly. Ugly turns desperate. And desperate becomes shameless.

That’s always been my happy wish for the mean girls and boys. The ones who don’t win anything after prom Queen, that they become just another member of the pack. No special or unique. They just blend into society until one day, you stop a random Walmart employee asking how much this pack of sharpies is and you realize it’s her. You don’t recognize her at first but when you do, you swell a little. Not with pride but as a safe-guard because they’ve always had a way of making you feel small and you want to give them no room. You’ll chat very briefly, just enough to see if they are the same person they were. Whether or not they tell you the price of those sharpies will be all the answer you need.

But what you don’t know is that after she leaves Walmart, she puts on all black and transforms into Chuck. Chuck’s a henchman for a local underground fight club that is a cover for shipments of rare plants that can mutate humans into chickens. She doesn’t care though. Chuck gets a check that covers nursing school. It was either this or stripping and she’s never had the ass for stripping. Just the face.

If she’s willing to unlearn however… sees a therapist, stops judging the quality of people by the sharpness of their nose or ratio of hip to stomach, realizes that working hard is not a punishment but a character builder, gives back to the community, stops stealing statues and doesn’t think she is allowed to take a man because she wants him… then she can avoid the life of Tiffany by day, Roger by night. But if she chooses to peak in high school, well then the henchman life is hers for the mastering I guess.

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Part 2 If You Wanna Know Where This is Going

My first encounter with unwavering loyalty was being a member of a southern black church. In the south, you ride for your church like it’s got a greek letter and a choreographed stroll. You don’t let nobody talk mess about your pastor, your church lady cooks the best chicken, and of course your choir is the best. Church, however, was second to family. We’re taught to ride for our blood like you’re protecting a national treasure. You know, I can call my brother ugly but if you do it, I’m gone whip your ass. But I was always adamant that I would never blood tie myself to any organization or group. The idea of “signing up for life” seemed so cultish. I mean, I’m a married woman with kids so I definitely have varied opinions but I know two things for sure: 1. All Things Change, even feelings. 2. Being loyal without conditions will fuck you up every time.

I once knew of a church that legit had gun tooting henchmen. The pastor called them bodyguards and they were known to cock-them-glocks if needed but that was only after they physically tossed you if you got too close or asked too many questions. I mean, this dude would literally have his “armor bearers” do drive by’s and use aggressive intimidation tactics. My family was the recipients of some of this behavior which is how I know it to be true. It bothered me; the unbridled loyalty to a person that would cause you to treat someone else meanly even without knowing why.

I’m learning through therapy that addictions to people, places, and situations can be a symptom of OCD. It’s called Scrupulosity. Scrupulosity is a psychological disorder primarily characterized by pathological guilt or obsession associated with moral or religious issues that is often accompanied by compulsive moral or religious observance and is highly distressing and maladaptive.

So there you have it. I was a mean girl because I was afraid. I stopped being mean when I did the work to stop being afraid. I’m still a little mean cause I don’t wanna get caught up again. But at least there’s room to grow from here. I wear all black when I need to protect myself but I’m not a henchmen promise. I’m just an overall bad ass.